Let's take a ride!

Do you remember that childhood song: "Let's take a ride in an automobile, let's take a ride in a car, listen to the......... go ......... as we travel a long" ? Well this seems fitting for me lately! There are a lot of sounds to be heard while going in a car! So take a ride with me!

1. I pulled the car up to the stoplight and the windows were down on a beautiful fall day when I heard this noise! I asked my kids what I could possibly be hearing, so my poor kids, went through every sound they could hear and I would try to match the sound I was searching for. (I am blessed with adorable and patient kids!) And it turns out, I could hear the leaves blowing across the street!!!!!!!!!!! That just BLEW me away! Really, leaves across the street?!!!! I have heard of leaves as you crunch upon them while walking, but to hear they rustle across the street! That just made my whole week!

2. Rain sounds different for me right now. I don't know how to describe it. But when in a car, rain used to be kind of muffled and all together static like. Now for the first time, on a rainy day, I can clearly hear the pitt-patter of the raindrops on the roof of the car. Pretty cool!

3. I can hear the keys in the ignition when turning off the car, nothing new there, but I didn't realize that I would still be able to hear it as I got out of the car going to the other side to retrieve the baby. I was able to hear it loudly to the other side. You can be sure I will never do that again, the keys go with me!

4. As we were driving home I noticed I could hear a motorcycle which is nothing new but I couldn't see it anywhere! I asked the kids if I was imagining that sound, they said no, so we started looking for the motorcycle. It wasn't until we were going uphill, that we saw the motorcycle that was 12 cars away from us!!!!!!!!!! Ok, that may not seem like a big deal to you, but I could only hear motorcycles that were close or at least in sight and around me, but for it to be so far away and I could still hear it almost faintly but clearly-THAT'S A BIG DEAL!!!!!

While I am extremely grateful for these news sounds, my frustrating and hardest thing I am dealing with right now is being able to communicate. Whether it is too much noise around me or the person is not loud enough, or I am having trouble decipher what a speaker is saying whether from pulpit or in a room, I am still struggling with communication-the very thing that I must deal with daily and the very thing that I had mastered with my old hearing aids. Now I have to start over again and I am now struggling!! I am reminded over and over to be patient, but it is so hard to be patient when dealing this daily! My audiologist said I can later switch frequencies or change my setting so background noises are not bothersome and such, but right now I have to get used to all these sounds so my brain can process them.

So right now, I am trying to enjoy the ride and pray for patience: I can't do this on my own, thank goodness I got someone who can carry me through this! 

Ugly Sweaters....

Not much has changed since I last posted as for encountering new sounds. But I ran into two friends of mine and like what they had to say and my hubby had something to tell me as well (and this is the only time I will ever admit this-He is right! There I said it, he better read this before I delete it! (smile) What all three had to say were God's friendly reminders that I needed that day!

The first one, was from my dear friend Ken: when it comes to the sounds I don't like: "Every day must be like opening Christmas gifts for you right now. Even the ugly sweaters will eventually turn into beautiful evening gowns." WOW! At the time, those "ugly sweaters" or "awful sounds" that I don't hear really bother me! So if I focus on those awful sounds, then I might miss out on the beautiful sounds around me! So the worst sound for me is hearing the water run, it makes my skin crawl!! But looking at those "ugly sweaters/awful sounds" in a different light happened this past week. I was sitting in my living room with the baby wondering if my kids are obeying me when I told them to get in the bath tub. I was just about to get up to check on them and then I heard the "ugly sweater/awful sound". And then for the first time, I was able to just sit right where I was like a normal hearing person and think, yep they started the bath and yes they are obeying me! ha! And you know what, that feeling was exhilarating!! To be able to just sit there and actually KNOW what's going on! Yes Ken, those ugly sweaters are turning into the most beautiful evening gown I could never imagine! 

The second reminder comes from my friend Kae: when it comes to my struggles in my therapy trying to retrain my brain and struggles to listen the new sounds: "It is good for your kids to see you struggle, it helps them learn that struggles are normal part of life, even our adult life!" It just dawn on me after talking with her, since I homeschool, I am with my kids 24/7 (I love it!), how many times have I tried to put up the "everything is perfect" face with them? How many times have I "protected" them from my struggles or the struggles around us? I am reminded of John 16:33:  “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”  I NEED to share my struggles with my children! I need to whine to them about how I do NOT like therapy but make sure I end my whining and share with them John 16:33 and say God is FAITHFUL! He will help me get through this, just like the song I heard from Steve Green in concert at my church (my first time hearing a concert-it was overwhelming at first with the music, but I now know I LOVE the sound of a guitar!), "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" I cried when hearing that song, what a great reminder!! Thank you God that you are there! And so now, sharing my struggles with my kids, they in turn share with me their struggles and now we are learning how to specifically pray for each other and turn our struggles over to Him! Praise God!

Thirdly, my dear husband who has taken me ALL the way to Kentucky for the doctor visits and surgery, who has been by my side when I got the news I could never hear again, that I have infection behind my eye and now need additional surgery, and who was there when I heard my first BEEP and knew how disappointed I was to not hear my kids first, and then was there at dinner with me to hear the birds chirp for the first time and was able to celebrate with me reminds me to be PATIENT! Whew....patience?!!! I exercise patience with my kids, with my dog, with everyone but myself! I have been waiting a year to hear again and I want to hear normally and be done with therapy and the trips to Columbus! But alas, I must be patient, I will get there just like hubby says. 


So bottom line:  I need to be P.A.T.I.E.N.T, share the struggles with others, and enjoy those ugly sweaters! I started this blog saying not much has changed, but maybe not in sounds, but changes are taking place in this heart of mine!

Little Miracles

It has almost been a month and I am amazed as to how far I have come! Every day I am presented with a new sound that I have heard before but in a different way or a completely new sound I have never heard before! And no more beeps and whistles-yay!! I went to my audiologist for the first time since I had this activated and she was amazed as how fast I went through my levels I was given on my implants! But there things that need "tweaking"! She lowered the high sounds for me since I have never heard high sounds before and they can be very piercing to me. And what a difference that made! And just so you know, she didn't get rid of it completely, she says I have to get used to those high pitches because that is what everything sounds like with those high notes! I still have a long way to go, but it's a process like everything else and every day I am getting better! I do have days where I wish this was over and I can just be "normal" and then I have to laugh in disbelief because these implants are allowing me to be "normal" in this hearing world and I have never been at that "normal" level before!! So as of my last post, I couldn't hear my baby cry, but NOW, oh yeah, I can hear her cry alright! As a matter of fact, I can hear her cry down the hallway!!!! What a first!! I still don't like that water faucet and the washing machine/dryer and I REALLY want to get my dog de-clawed with those sounds on the wooden floor! (do they even DO that for dogs??!) But I really have to share with you my favorite and new sounds that I have been hearing just this past week alone!!!

NEVER HEARD BEFORE:
*My baby sighing when I am putting her to sleep!
*The tea kettle whistling!!!!!!! WHOA that can be loud!!
*The beeping when the key is in ignition or I have not yet buckled up!
*Birds chirping!!!!!! And get this, I don't have to be outside to hear them! I was in the living room with the windows opened and I heard them in the HOUSE?!?!?!?!!!


SO ENJOY HEARING IN A NEW WAY:
*My daughter playing the piano-piano is such a new sound now!!
*My son pronouncing his phonics in reading to me!
*My family's voices at dinner table!

And the most fun sounds I will be hearing this weekend, is having a birthday party for my little Victoria who turns 1!!! My prayer has been answered to be able to hear again before she turns one!!! Thank you Jesus for this beautiful gift!!!!

My First Sounds....

On Monday, August 27th, my first sounds were......BEEP, BEEP, BLIP, SCREECH, DING, DING, DING!!!! For every word or sound spoken that is all I heard!! I was not expecting this at all! I thought that I was able to hear before, I would hear some sort of voice, but instead, it was all bells and whistles all day long!! You can imagine my disappointment and shock that these sounds were my first! I did not take this first day very well. As a matter of fact, I went into great depression that night, I REALLY wanted to hear my kid's voice, if not exactly just something of their voice-but no, nothing but bells came out of their mouths when speaking to me.

In all fairness, I was warned by my Surgeon to not expect much. He said that with me being "deaf" all my life, my brain will not be used to these sounds! I told him that I had hearing aids all my life and I have heard sounds before! He said with a hearing aid, all the sounds come at you at once and hearing aids just increase as best at they can of what is around you. Cochlear Implants, takes the sound directly where it needs to go through-the cochlear as natural as possible. He told me it will be normal to hear these bells and whistles, my brain is re-wiring itself creating new pathways to understand these new sounds (our brain is pretty amazing-as my daughter said-"God is a genius for making our brain that way!!")  He said this is all a process. I must do my therapy on the computer for one hour each day and I start at the lowest setting right now and work my way up to the hearing that my ears are allowing me to hear-which I will show you where I am at on the audiogram at the end!

But let me explain better what is going on here. When I got my new hearing aids in college, a switch from analog hearing aid to a digital hearing aid, it was a very overwhelming experience to hear things differently. So if one were to clap their hands in front of me, I would hear that sound but it would be a different tone and I could hear that CLAP CLAP and be overwhelmed by the new sound I could hear of the clapping. With a cochlear implant, since my brain doesn't understand these new sounds, when the kids were clapping a couple of days ago, I heard BEEP BEEP BEEP! My brain is trying to comprehend the sound. It wasn't until day four I actually heard the CLAP CLAP and no more bells! Now you understand this process? Imagine having to do that kind of thing for EVERY sound EVERY word spoken! Whew! This week has been rough, busy slowly I have been adjusting and after all the tears and frustration, on day five, I can proudly say that I am accepting each sound that switches from BEEP to the actual sound as a gift from God! 

I am switching my attitude in the mornings, from "I am dreading putting that thing on me!" to "What sound am I going to hear today?!" But I tell ya, some days it is so overwhelming, I can only turn my implants on for 3 hour and that is all I can take! Just remember, I am homeschooling, so do you know how many sounds happen with two kids, a baby, and a dog?! (laughing) They are all strengthening my ear skills for sure! 

So what can I hear now? I am still hearing beeping and screeches and bells for sounds around me that I am not sure what they are, but here are some sounds that I have been able to enjoy this week-the FIRST week!

I can hear my baby talk-dadada, lalala and a little of her laughter!! 
My kids voices no longer sound like bells but their voices-it sounds robotic right now and so I affectionately call them my little robots!
I can hear hubby's voice completely-robotic too!
I can hear my footsteps as I go up the stairs.
I can hear the clicking of the keyboard as I type this.
I can hear my voice-robot again!
My dog's bark sounds sharper and strong.
Today I was able to hear the wind outside!
NEW SOUNDS: I have never heard my cell phone ring! OH MY GOODNESS!! / I never knew how sharp a dripping faucet sounds in my kitchen-Now I am going to get that fixed for sure!!

These sounds are all muffled and I can comprehend them: I can't hear my baby crying (probably a good thing right now!), I can't hear music, I can't hear the tv, I can't hear dishwasher or washing machine-again all these sounds are either muffled or beeping. 

Sounds I cannot STAND to hear: the washing machine, water from the faucet, opening any chips/cracker bag-the crumbling makes my skin crawl! These sounds SCREECH in my ears-I am sure my audiologist can help lower these sounds for me. 

Whew, what a first week for me! I get very overwhelmed in public so I am sorta bummed that worship and soccer games will be a challenge and may be put on  hold for me right now. But like my hubby said, this is just my first week, just imagine where I will be in just one month! So onward goes my adventure of discovering God's world around me!

I took a hearing test right after activating my implants and guess where I can hear (but right now they are starting me at the lowest setting working me up to this level) just like YOU!!! Check my audiogram below: By the way the black line is where a normal person-you can hear, the red is where I am at with my implants turned on, Green is where I have been all my life with hearing aids and orange is where I became completely deaf just one year ago: What do you think??!

Soon, I will be able to hear again!!

Wow, just six more days and we get my implants turned on and I will be able to hear again! The last day I was able to hear was at the children's Christmas program, which was sons four birthday, December 5th, 2011! I have been feeling good from having surgery a month ago! I still have swelling at the top part of the incicsion and burning/itching which are all signs of healing. I am still unable to sleep on the side where i had surgery, I am not sure if it is just knowing that I have something there and I don't sleep there or if it is the swelling that is bothering me. Time will tell.

Manehile, I have been thinking about how my life will change next week! I have been through so much in just one year that my son asked yesterday, "mom, after we go to Kentucky this weekend, when we come back, are you going to finally hear?"  Yes, my son, I will finally be able to hear!! So to prepare myself, I am trying to adjust my expectations. Right now, I just want to be able to hear my kids voices, if that is all I can hear, then really that is enough for me! So I made a list:

Things I want to hear that are important to me for my everyday living!!
Kids voices and laughter
Hubby's voice
Piano
Phone ringing
Hear strangers who start conversations with me ( I actually dream about this, to have conversations and feel confident and reach out to others and be able to chat about simple things!)

Things I wonder if I will be able to hear??
The birds? (I could hear a woodpecker, but not other birds before)
Someone at the door?
My kids putter patter across the room (heard that the first time two years ago, loved it!)
Whispers? Never heard this, a sentence being whispered to e!
Tea kettle?
Crickets? Never heard before!
The dryer going off to let me know clothes are done? Never heard before- kids tell me!


I am also excited to be able to join into worship at church soon! I give God all the praise in this journey, his love to get me through this and comfort has been amazing!! Praise be to God for this wonderful technology gift that I will be given next week!

Bionic now!

Wow! I know it has been a while since I last posted, but I am now the Bionic Heather and so with that comes recovery and healing! So let me give you the brief version of just what has been happening the last several weeks! (By the way-I was so blessed by all the encouragement and prayers via facebook, email, and cards that I received BEFORE my surgery! Thank you all!! It means a lot to me and I appreciate each and everyone of you!) Hubby and I were very impressed with the hospital that took such good care of both me AND hubby! That early morning (4am wake up call!) we were greeted with each nurse and doctor that would be in the operating room with me. There were a total of 8 of them!! And each one of them were positive and professional! I requested an interpreter for that morning to make sure I would not miss out on any important detail and she was simply wonderful-like the sister I never had! There was not much to interpret before the surgery and all went well! Throughout the surgery, hubby was kept up to date through the computer flat screen on the wall where it is color-coded through our doctor's name to let hubby know which stage of the surgery I was in (pre-surgery, surgery has started, in surgery, recovery, etc) plus the doctor would call hubby in the waiting room letting him know where he was at with me during surgery! How cool is that?! The surgery went beautifully, the doctor came and gave hubby pictures of how it looks inside my ear and said that he expects a great outcome of this surgery. In recovery, wow, it was brutal trying to wake up! I was in no pain, but felt swelling and the usual groggy stuff and totally out of it. I was trying to talk, but could not due to the tube they put in my throat and thankfully my interpreter was there and I signed everything to her to tell everyone what I needed-wow I REALLY needed her then-never thought that would be during that time though! But we got through it. We stayed in the hospital and finally had my first meal of macaroni and cheese 30 hours later! That night at the hospital was the worst of all the pain I have had in recovering from this surgery. I did not get much sleep at all that night between the pain and trying to get in a comfortable sleeping position with my head all wrapped up! We came home to my wonderful greeting crew of my kids! My in-laws helped SO much in making me recover so quickly and I appreciate all they did, from taking care of the kids, allowing me to nap, and they even did a cleaning of the house-I am talking SPRING cleaning! (Thank you both!!!) We just got back from the doctor this past week to check on my incision and all looks well-no infection!! YAY! I need to continue to heal in the next several weeks, allow the swelling in the ear area to go down and then are you ready for this?!!! AUGUST 27th I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR AGAIN! And it looks like this is coming just in time for me to hear important things: Baby will turn 1 in September, son is playing soccer for the first time, daughter will be taking more piano lessons (by me as her teacher!) and going into drama classes, I will be teaching a class for homeschooling, and with all the fall and Christmas activities coming-wow! I am already overwhelmed just thinking of all the things that I just might be able to hear! So now another countdown begins: 23 more days to go til my new gift is complete!

Three more days til I go Bionic!

WOW! I can't believe that I can say in three days I will get my implants!! God has been SO good to me! My infection is gone, I am healthy and ready to receive my new gift of hearing again! (I consider my hearing aids the first gift and now the implants to be able to hear is the new gift!) As we are busy getting ready for my surgery since it will take place in ole' Kentucky, I am reminded this week of Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It will be almost a year before I can finally hear and I thought I would never get here, but you know what? It took me a year to get where I am at emotionally, to be really ready for these cochlear implants. I have never wanted these implants and in the beginning when I first lost my hearing I never thought I would entertain the idea of implants. But God is faithful! He knows me SO well and I am thankful to Him! Several people have asked if I am nervous about the surgery. Honestly-I totally trust my doctor-I am thankful to have such a good doctor-my daughter calls him our angel in disguise! (smile) But I did have one day of surgery jitters about five days ago when I said, "Oh my goodness, the doctor is actually going to cut me open?!!!" ha ha ha, it just dawned on me just what he really is going to do, I have been so focused on what the implants will do for me and I knew he would have to cut me open to get the device in me, but five days ago I went through the jitters and a good friend reminded me of Psalm 91 and it is just so beautiful for this time of my life that I need to share with you-do you know Psalm 91?

Psalm 91

1He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

3Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

9If you make the Most High your dwelling—

even the Lord, who is my refuge—

10then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

11For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

12they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

16With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

My ultimate trust is in HIM!  So the next time I post on here, I will be the Bionic Heather! Just a friendly reminder, I will not be able to hear yet. Doctor will implant the device in my ear and back of head (3 to 4 hour surgery), wrap me up, and if all is well no complications, to go home and rest. I need to get the swelling down and rest up, the following week to see doctor to make sure no infection, that will determine how soon I can "activate" my bionics and start using my new gift! Thank you to each and everyone of your prayers, help, encouragement, and just reading my blog!!!!

Just what IS a cochlear implant?!

I was updating my calendar today and I realized that tomorrow a week has gone by and I will only have THREE more weeks til my surgery if all goes well!! (SQUEAL!!!!!!!) My heart is just thumping at the thought of the day I can type, "Today, I am going bionic!" So I thought in celebration of a week going by (which by the way, I am feeling SO much better from my recent surgery-thanks for all the prayers and support you guys!!) I thought I post a couple things to show you just what a cochlear implant is!

This is a link that shows you a video of how a cochlear implant works:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5Rgcrm3Cow


And these links I just had to post to give you an idea of what a life-changing experience it is to have cochlear implants as a child!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6UQBX8sNPY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsyOx0z57pU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1TA_AbhqA8&feature=related


Wow, these all made me teary-eyed! Maybe I will have a video to show in a couple of months! Ha!

Not out of the woods yet!

Two words describe my recent surgery for my infection behind my eye: AWESOME and UGH! Let me explain. My doctor was out of this world! He is AWESOME! He explained everything in details before doing anything, (yes I was awake through it all!). He put a very wide band around my head and forehead and it turns out to be a device that protects my brain during the surgery and he is one of the very fewest doctors that do that! The hardest part of the surgery was just trying to numb me up! It took about an hour to do that and that is the UGH part! I am so thankful my husband was there to talk me through it and get me through it! My throat would become numb and I couldn't feel myself swallowing and that terrified me! I was never in ANY pain from the beginning of numbing to the end of surgery-for that I am very thankful! (If you are in need of a sinus doctor, contact me because I HIGHLY recommend this doctor in Columbus!)

Now back to the two words again: The surgery itself was only 10 minutes-AWESOME! And as soon as it was done, I felt like I could breathe better!  He found that there was no infection there but I was inflamed as if there was an infection there. We really don't know if my infection was there and then the medicine the cochlear implant doctor gave me took care of this and it showed up inflamed on the cat scan or it just recently went away-we don't know, but now the critical part is ensuring that the infection does not come back. So I am to do these rinses-UGH, these are not your typical saline rinses through a netti pot!  I have to shoot up 12 ounces of this "medicine" three times a day for an entire MONTH! The last few days have been really tough to do because I am still swollen and so I feel like I am drowning when I do these rinses. But the doctor said these rinses will help to make sure the infection does not come back.

Four days before my surgery date of the cochlear implants, I have to see him again for him to do an MRI: and there we will see if my infection came back which I need to do the surgery all over again - UGH. Or my infection may not be there and I can proceed for my cochlear implants on the 19th - AWESOME! So I am technically not out of the woods yet, I am REALLY REALLY REALLY praying that all goes well and on schedule for the 19th. I am holding onto faith right now!

A DATE!!

I have a date!!! WOW!!!! I never thought I would be saying this! On JULY 19th, I will officially get my implants and become "robotic"! Ha! I will not be able to hear at this time, I have to heal for a month and allow the swelling to go down and then go back in August to be "Activated" (hear)! I feel like the Terminator when I say that! But to have a date; wow what a difference it makes! When I heard the date, I cried because I said to myself, "I really am going to hear!!" It feels so real now. And God answered my prayers, I am going to hear on my baby's first birthday in September! I have my surgery on my infection behind my eye next week and once that is over, I can start preparing for my official surgery! 

Please pray for my kids and I though, we are getting very weary of the struggles that we go through with my deafness in our day to day living. I prayed with them today and asked God to give us the strength to make it through the last two months with patience with each other. Just two more months until I can hear and what a difference that will make in our lives!!

Several of you have asked me more information about the implant itself and so next week after my first surgery, I will give a detailed post about the implants and what is involved in actually hearing through these implants!

Progress!

Yesterday I met with my doctor for the first time and after the appointment my hubby and I both agreed that God has blessed us with amazing doctors!! The doctor checked my cat scan and believes that I am a perfect candidate for a simple surgery rather than the "sinus surgery"  for my infection that usually takes place in the hospital that goes along with IV's, anesthesia, and other complications. This simple surgery will take place in his office, outpatient, done in an hour and half, and by day three after this surgery, I am recovered!! WOW! We are now waiting for the office to call to set up the surgery date, which we are aiming for early to mid June. So that goes along with my timetable! I need to heal for a month, then the cochlear implants, so probably July, then a month of healing again, then I go back to "activate"--HEAR!! So I believe we are making progress, might be slow progress, but folks, it is PROGRESS! I told hubby, my wish and prayer is that I can be able to hear on baby's first birthday-September 23rd and I just might get my wish and prayers answered!!

Worship

Before I lost my hearing, I had hearing aids. I could hear music and piano (and even played the piano and at the moment while I am COMPLETELY deaf teaching my 8 year old piano-ask me how-it really is very easy!). I was not able to hear the complete sound of music, so for example, if one were to play a chord on the piano, I would hear maybe one or two notes of that chord, but not the complete sound-does that make sense? As for music, I could never hear the words of the lyrics, but if one were to point to the words as the words are being sung and I put my hand on the boom box, I could understand and FEEL the rhythm of the song. So when it comes to worship in church, I always followed the music director by reading his lips to sing songs and feel whatever music I am able to feel and worship. (and I should tell you, I wondered if any of the music directors that I have had in the past in Church ever realized that I was the only one that noticed that he was not singing the right word or phrase while in worship and noticed he pulled that microphone back just a bit to make sure no one would hear his mistake-ha!) I love to worship through songs, my heart just lifts up in joy and using my hands through sign language just adds to the reflection of my love for Christ. Now that I am deaf, I have to tell you, worship in church is just so.....hard! Really! I don't feel comfortable singing because I can't control how loud or soft I am singing, if there is an unfamiliar song, I don't feel comfortable trying the song out with no rhythm or an idea of how the song flows, and frankly I need to HEAR the music! Isn't that just crazy?! I know I can use sign language and worship, but there is just something about lifting my voice in praise! So for Sundays, I sing the songs in my head/heart and I ache for the day that I can join in. So until then, when I am at home with my three little ones as my audience, oh do we worship!!!!!!!! I lift my voice and my kids join with me and we are L O U D even if the windows are open wide for our neighbors to hear! We sing songs from, This little light of mine to The B-I-B-L-E to Rejoice in the Lord Always to the kids favorite: This is the Day that the Lord has Made! I love my kids that they don't care if I am off tune and loud! God loves to hear us worship in so many ways, so I encourage one and all, join me in WORSHIPING HIM!


Oh and in case you're wondering, I have appointment with my doctor at the end of the month to discuss about my infection behind my eye at the end of the month and I hope to have that surgery done beginning June. My Cochlear Implant doctor wants me to heal for a month, so that puts me possibly end of June or beginning July to get my Cochlear Implant. I will then need to heal for a month and then possibly end of July or beginning August I can finally activate and HEAR! WHEW! We will keep praying and waiting (and worshiping!)

Side Note: Starting a homeschooling blog!

I want to dedicate this site to my cochlear implant journey, so for those of you who wanted to hear my random thoughts on homeschooling life, I started a new blog there: www.6feetand4paws.blogspot.com !

TRUST!

My CAT scan was last week and so my results came in today: the infection is still there. I am VERY disappointed and upset about this news. Today, I have been grumbling about having this surgery done. So tonight my husband ask me a very simple question, "Do you trust your doctor?" Yes of course I do, he is the best doctor there is and he knows what he is doing and he wants the best for me! So yes, I do trust him and I know this is what he wants me to do, so that I can be healthy for the implants. Then after thinking about this, hmmmmmmm...... there is actually a better doctor who REALLY knows me and wants the best for me!! Boy am I lucky I have Him! (smile) So tonight, with this grumbling heart, I give this to God!!! (oh and in case you're wondering, this means that infection surgery is this month and cochlear implants-we are looking about June to get the surgery done and to actually hear a month after that! (Just maybe I will hear the fireworks?!))

Paper or Plastic?

Right now I got through my medicine and waiting to get the CAT Scan done sometime this month to check to see if the infection is there. If it is there, off to surgery we go. If not, I can then set the date of getting the cochlear implants. It is hard to believe that it has been five months, almost a half of a year of total silence! Since then I have struggled with communication more than I have ever had in my life! The biggest struggle is just going out to do errands! Let me explain one of the simple errands of getting groceries:

I am at the checkout with the two kids and a baby. The kids are helping me load the groceries onto the belt. Now in the past (with a hearing loss you sorta prepare yourself for things!) I have learned the person at the end of the belt will ask, "Plastic or Paper bags ma'am?" So I always look down there first to respond. Well this particular day, there was on one there, so I kept my eye down there waiting for that person to show up while loading the groceries and keeping my other eye on the kids and a baby! Sure enough a person showed up down there, but was just standing there and I was so upset with myself that I didn't catch her lips moving to respond! So I asked, "did you ask me paper or plastic?" To which she responded, no, and walked off. So I guess she wasn't the bag person and so I told the cashier, "oh I have a hearing loss." (after talking with hubby that night, he suggested that I say DEAF, after all, I do not have any hearing at all, I sorta need to be reminded of that nowadays!") So then I am unloading the groceries and see my oldest waving her arms to get my attention that the bag person wants to know paper or plastic. WHAT?! I missed it already?!!!

I know it really is not a big deal, but I guess to me as a person with a hearing loss I have always tried to live the "hearing" world. And it takes preparation! It is interesting that when I had a hearing loss I would try to be like a hearing person, now that I have no hearing, I am trying to be like a person with a hearing loss-how comical is that?! I know it would be easier on me to simply tell the person I am working with that I am deaf and then things could be better, but you wouldn't believe the look I get on people's face when I mention it because I speak so well that it is just hard to believe that I could be deaf! Sometimes we go into my "story" or other times I can just move on. So I am trying hard to remember communication is two people, so I need to inform the other so that we can have good communication. As I said before, I have gone through the grieving period of being deaf and now I am learning the acceptance/peace of being deaf and now anxious to get the ball rolling and get the implants so that I can confidently say, "Plastic please!"

God is in control!

Yesterday was my day of testing to get ready for the cochlear implant! From 8am to 7pm I had lots of testing to do to get ready for my big day! My audiologist is WONDERFUL! She is so supportive, upbeat, encouraging, and is excited for me to get the implants. The hearing test was so short-I couldn’t hear anything but every now and then feel vibrations like you would feel with a freight train as they go by. I also had to do a lip-reading tests. She would speak a sentence and I would repeat them back to her. She said 20 sentence lines to me and I only missed ONE WORD!! I think those games of “Read my lips” paid off! Ha! (But really it was all those years of speech therapy!) So after al the testing done, we were getting excited to meet with the doctor to see which ear we are going to do the implants in. He ushered us into a room to look at the MRI to see how the bone structure looks of my ears. He said it all looked great, but he was concerned about this stuff on top of my skull that is not supposed to be there……my mind went blank when he said that! He then said that it is a big infection that is close to my eyes and if not taken care of, I could go blind. My mouth just dropped open! We came here to get implants for my ears to find that I could go blind?! But this infection explains all the horrible headaches I have had behind my eyes that I thought was due to allergy seasons! So the plan is to get on several medications right now to see if we can get the infection gone in four weeks. Then I go in for a CAT scan to see the diagnosis of the infection, if it is not gone, then I will have to go for surgery to take care of this. The cochlear implants are on hold until we get this infection take care of. I have learned two things by the end of this day:

1. God is in control! He has and will continue to take care of me! He went before me and allowed my doctor to see this infection in preparation for my cochlear implants on my CAT scan! What a blessing!! I have been singing today “What a mighty God we serve….”
2. I have an amazing husband! He loves me so much and is excited for me to have implants and supports me by walking all the way back to the hospital to retrieve information that the doctor needed so we can know the diagnosis of that “something” that wasn’t supposed to be there that very same hour! I love you honey!

Please be in prayers that this infection will go away through medication and I wouldn’t have to get the surgery! (But if it comes to that, then God will once again provide!) Until then, my hearing world is on hold!

The Doctor Is In!

What a busy month February brought me! I had a doctor appointment two weeks ago in Columbus and I was unable to meet with him due to my 5 month old baby being sick. Poor thing had a stomach virus and was throwing up for three days! It was very scary for me because she can almost roll over, but not quite yet and so when she threw up, I was terrified of her choking on her throw up and not being able to hear her choking! So I had her by my side 24/7 day and night and I was utterly exhausted by the end of the week and then guess what happened, my next daughter got it! I remember looking over in bed seeing her throw up and thinking, "it is not over yet, Lord give me strength!" And He did! Thankfully my husband took over and I was able to rest! I was bummed that I couldn't go to the doctor appointment but rescheduled it for March. And so I focused on the doctor in Kentucky. Dr. Gadre walked in with a genuine smile and met everyone and got right to work. This doctor is AMAZING!! Let me tell you a list of just why he is amazing: He is such an expert on Cochlear Implants that he is writing a textbook on how to do cochlear implants, He is kind, honest, and proud of his work, He looked at me straight in the eyes when communicating, and best of all: He said I would most definitely benefit from Cochlear Implants!! I am blown away by this doctor and went ahead and set up appointments with him. Turns out that I have a full day in March of testings from MRI, Cat Scans, Audiology Tests, and Implant Evaluations, then just a month later, I will have my implants and two weeks later I will be able to hear again! Wow! I am in shock! But really let me tell you several of my biggest shocks this past week:

I went to the store and the cashier mentioned something to me while I was loading the groceries on the belt and my daughter tapped me and told me what the cashier said. I then told the cashier, "oh Im sorry, I did not hear you, I am deaf." WHAT?!! Did I just utter the words DEAF? I have always been hearing impaired or hearing loss, but for the first time in my life I have to say DEAF! Wow, I guess when you have a loss, whether it be losing someone, a job, or having an illness, you experience new lifestyle changes of shock and learn to adjust. I have had more of these "Shock" moments in public, like going in the store and everyone staring at me...I wonder if my fly is open, or I have mascara on my cheek, and I go crazy thinking of all these things, to find someone come up to me huffing and puffing, handing me a store ad, "here, I wanted you to have this!" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! She was running after me to give me an ad?! I was not laughing at first, I was terribly embarrassed but now I can laugh, can you imagine the scene?! Or what about being in Red Lobster, standing in the foyer holding a baby waiting for a table and again everyone is staring at you and your mind beings to think again, to find a boy tapping my arm saying, "I was wondering if you want to take my seat." Apparently he had been asking several times and there I was standing smiling at everyone! Whew! Well, I can look at it this way, I only have two more months til I can communicate back to those people and then go back to saying, "I have a hearing loss". But really I am looking forward to hearing my baby laugh, my son who is learning to read, read to me, and my daughter sing in her music class!! Those things are what matter to me the most and what I want to hear!

Doctor Visits Coming Up!

My friend, (Bless her heart for her support in getting in touch with the doctor she used for her son!) heard back from the doctor who did an amazing job on her son's cochlear implant. My friend also asked him for the other doctor that he highly recommends in Columbus. As it turns out, the doctor that he recommends happens to be the one that my audiologist set me up with in the beginning of February! How wonderful is that?!! That just blows my mind away that I went to to get a cochlear implant referral that I just picked from Columbus and she set me up with the doctor that three weeks later was recommended by a top cochlear implant specialist! I am anxious to speak to this doctor in Columbus in two weeks because he specializes in two things that right now I am struggling most with: dizziness and tinnitus. And let me tell you just how annoying tinnitus is!!! Augh, I have it 24 hours and most of the time, if I am focused on something I am able to ignore it. But it doesn't help when trying to sleep (especially when you desperately need the sleep when you're up feeding a baby through the night!), or when I hear a noise, like today, I thought I heard a siren and I immediately turned around frightened thinking something was wrong with the kids and I didn't know it and the police was here making the sirens. (I know I have such a big imagination!!) Hopefully I can get some answers from this doctor. Then a couple weeks later in February I will be visiting the other Doctor that my friend recommends and I hope then I can move forward and get a game plan going. There is a waiting list to see both doctors and I am thankful that I will be seeing them in February rather than much later! So until then, I am taking it one day at a time til I see those doctors!

Researching for a Doctor

So now that I have made the decision to get the implants. Now I need to find the Doctor that I trust to implant them in my skull! A dear friend of mine shared with me a doctor they used for their son and had amazing results. They also told me just how meticulous and serious this doctor is on cochlear implants and he actually does this kind of surgery weekly. (that is more than OSU- they said they do 30 a year!) As with any surgery there are risk, but this doctor rarely has any complications. So I would love to see this Doctor in KY and get in, we are now waiting to hear from my friend to tell me if he will see me. So now I need prayers for my research and that God will lead me to the right Doctor for me-one that I can completely trust and feel at ease to do this on me.

Meanwhile, I am continually wondering what I am going to be able to hear. My daughter today was giving me details on what she can hear and she opened my eyes to things that I was never able to hear with hearing aids and didn't realize the things that made sounds and I asked, "do you think I will be able to hear those things with these implants?" And she shrugged her shoulders and said, "maybe, maybe not, but that is okay, I will still tell you these sounds." What a sweet daughter I have! (smile)

And my 4 year old son totally cracks me up, I just found out that he has been mouthing his sentences to me. I thought he has been talking, but someone just informed me that he would come up to me and only mouth the words to me. I guess he thinks since I can't hear anymore, there is no point in using your voice to talk to me, so he is mouthing to me! (double smile)

Beginnings of a new journey!

My journey with my hearing loss started when I was very young when I was fitted with hearing aids at the age of 3. And now 29 years later (you can figure out my age if you add it up you know?) I am starting a new journey; being able to hear with cochlear implants. As with any story, you need to know details of how this new journey started, so I thought I add the note that I sent to my friends about the recent (December 2011) prognosis:

"Hi all, I am sharing with you as a friend in hopes that you will join me in prayers! Just a year ago I was in a coffee shop crying happy tears that with my new hearing aids i could hear the harps play for the first time in my life. Just a year this past week, i find myself crying to find that i have lost all my hearing and now considered deaf! This has come in such a shock to me, so quickly and sudden. The doctors do not know why or how i lost my hearing, they have some theories but in all, my hearing will not come back. I thought this would happen, but at a much older age, not now among my thriving lifestyle as a mom and wife! Needless to say i have been grieving over this loss. Our hope right now is looking into cochlear implants, i meet with specialists in January to find out more. I remember as a little girl asking God to take my hearing away, He instead changed my heart, and now I ask Him of nothing but His will! I trust Him as I have and do with my life! Please pray for me as I struggle more so with no hearing with my children (bless them for their patience and help!), and being reminded daily of what I cannot hear. Rob and I are trusting Him because we have hope in Him! I love my husbands support, my children's love, and my all my friends prayers!"

So fast forward to yesterday, January 2012, I went to OSU to meet the specialists, after several hours of testing (never had so many different hearing tests), the specialist said that I qualify for cochlear implants. Now if you don't know what this all entails, here is a website that tells you more about this implantation in the skull/ear: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cochlear_implant
I was overwhelmed by the information of how much work this would require: coming in for 3-4 hour surgery, going home to recover and let swelling go down for 6 weeks, come back and then turn it on and hear, then come back every week for adjustments for the next six months. Then I was told there were lots of side effects such as paralysis of side of face, loss of taste (So I reasoned, OK: I can lose weight easily this way! Not a bad thing!), and other risks as well, but those two were the ones that stood out to me. The good news is they told me that I would be able to hear 30% more from wherever my hearing level is on the chart. At this point, I am not on the chart at all, so I asked where that would put me on the chart, she showed me and my jaw just dropped!!!! I said, "You mean to tell me that I would be able to hear at this level, a level where I have never been even with my hearing aids on all these years?!!!!" She said, "Yes I know, isn't that incredible, we can't predict exactly what you will be able to hear, everyone is different as to what their ear allows them to hear, but it hits this amount at least." I just cannot even comprehend being able to hear at that level! So with mix feelings of the fact that I am not a big fan of surgery and I was just dreading this and not wanting to go through this and want alternatives to be able to hear again(which the doctor informed me that there are none, this is it!). So on the way home, I felt a tap on shoulder by my bright and beautiful 7, soon to be 8 year old daughter who informed me that the remote control to my hearing-aid-processor that I would have to wear would be cool and she can't wait to have fun with me on that! Then it dawned on me, I want to hear her laughing at that moment, so risking paralysis/loss of taste would be worth hearing her laugh again, to be able to hear the ocean again, to hear my newest baby coo in my arms, to be able to hear my rambunctious 4 year old boy run around screaming "awesome" again, to hear my hubby say the words, "I love you." So yes, I am going to get the cochlear implants, until God can completely restore my hearing in heaven, why not enjoy this gift here and enjoy my life again?!