Progress!

Yesterday I met with my doctor for the first time and after the appointment my hubby and I both agreed that God has blessed us with amazing doctors!! The doctor checked my cat scan and believes that I am a perfect candidate for a simple surgery rather than the "sinus surgery"  for my infection that usually takes place in the hospital that goes along with IV's, anesthesia, and other complications. This simple surgery will take place in his office, outpatient, done in an hour and half, and by day three after this surgery, I am recovered!! WOW! We are now waiting for the office to call to set up the surgery date, which we are aiming for early to mid June. So that goes along with my timetable! I need to heal for a month, then the cochlear implants, so probably July, then a month of healing again, then I go back to "activate"--HEAR!! So I believe we are making progress, might be slow progress, but folks, it is PROGRESS! I told hubby, my wish and prayer is that I can be able to hear on baby's first birthday-September 23rd and I just might get my wish and prayers answered!!

Worship

Before I lost my hearing, I had hearing aids. I could hear music and piano (and even played the piano and at the moment while I am COMPLETELY deaf teaching my 8 year old piano-ask me how-it really is very easy!). I was not able to hear the complete sound of music, so for example, if one were to play a chord on the piano, I would hear maybe one or two notes of that chord, but not the complete sound-does that make sense? As for music, I could never hear the words of the lyrics, but if one were to point to the words as the words are being sung and I put my hand on the boom box, I could understand and FEEL the rhythm of the song. So when it comes to worship in church, I always followed the music director by reading his lips to sing songs and feel whatever music I am able to feel and worship. (and I should tell you, I wondered if any of the music directors that I have had in the past in Church ever realized that I was the only one that noticed that he was not singing the right word or phrase while in worship and noticed he pulled that microphone back just a bit to make sure no one would hear his mistake-ha!) I love to worship through songs, my heart just lifts up in joy and using my hands through sign language just adds to the reflection of my love for Christ. Now that I am deaf, I have to tell you, worship in church is just so.....hard! Really! I don't feel comfortable singing because I can't control how loud or soft I am singing, if there is an unfamiliar song, I don't feel comfortable trying the song out with no rhythm or an idea of how the song flows, and frankly I need to HEAR the music! Isn't that just crazy?! I know I can use sign language and worship, but there is just something about lifting my voice in praise! So for Sundays, I sing the songs in my head/heart and I ache for the day that I can join in. So until then, when I am at home with my three little ones as my audience, oh do we worship!!!!!!!! I lift my voice and my kids join with me and we are L O U D even if the windows are open wide for our neighbors to hear! We sing songs from, This little light of mine to The B-I-B-L-E to Rejoice in the Lord Always to the kids favorite: This is the Day that the Lord has Made! I love my kids that they don't care if I am off tune and loud! God loves to hear us worship in so many ways, so I encourage one and all, join me in WORSHIPING HIM!


Oh and in case you're wondering, I have appointment with my doctor at the end of the month to discuss about my infection behind my eye at the end of the month and I hope to have that surgery done beginning June. My Cochlear Implant doctor wants me to heal for a month, so that puts me possibly end of June or beginning July to get my Cochlear Implant. I will then need to heal for a month and then possibly end of July or beginning August I can finally activate and HEAR! WHEW! We will keep praying and waiting (and worshiping!)

Side Note: Starting a homeschooling blog!

I want to dedicate this site to my cochlear implant journey, so for those of you who wanted to hear my random thoughts on homeschooling life, I started a new blog there: www.6feetand4paws.blogspot.com !

TRUST!

My CAT scan was last week and so my results came in today: the infection is still there. I am VERY disappointed and upset about this news. Today, I have been grumbling about having this surgery done. So tonight my husband ask me a very simple question, "Do you trust your doctor?" Yes of course I do, he is the best doctor there is and he knows what he is doing and he wants the best for me! So yes, I do trust him and I know this is what he wants me to do, so that I can be healthy for the implants. Then after thinking about this, hmmmmmmm...... there is actually a better doctor who REALLY knows me and wants the best for me!! Boy am I lucky I have Him! (smile) So tonight, with this grumbling heart, I give this to God!!! (oh and in case you're wondering, this means that infection surgery is this month and cochlear implants-we are looking about June to get the surgery done and to actually hear a month after that! (Just maybe I will hear the fireworks?!))

Paper or Plastic?

Right now I got through my medicine and waiting to get the CAT Scan done sometime this month to check to see if the infection is there. If it is there, off to surgery we go. If not, I can then set the date of getting the cochlear implants. It is hard to believe that it has been five months, almost a half of a year of total silence! Since then I have struggled with communication more than I have ever had in my life! The biggest struggle is just going out to do errands! Let me explain one of the simple errands of getting groceries:

I am at the checkout with the two kids and a baby. The kids are helping me load the groceries onto the belt. Now in the past (with a hearing loss you sorta prepare yourself for things!) I have learned the person at the end of the belt will ask, "Plastic or Paper bags ma'am?" So I always look down there first to respond. Well this particular day, there was on one there, so I kept my eye down there waiting for that person to show up while loading the groceries and keeping my other eye on the kids and a baby! Sure enough a person showed up down there, but was just standing there and I was so upset with myself that I didn't catch her lips moving to respond! So I asked, "did you ask me paper or plastic?" To which she responded, no, and walked off. So I guess she wasn't the bag person and so I told the cashier, "oh I have a hearing loss." (after talking with hubby that night, he suggested that I say DEAF, after all, I do not have any hearing at all, I sorta need to be reminded of that nowadays!") So then I am unloading the groceries and see my oldest waving her arms to get my attention that the bag person wants to know paper or plastic. WHAT?! I missed it already?!!!

I know it really is not a big deal, but I guess to me as a person with a hearing loss I have always tried to live the "hearing" world. And it takes preparation! It is interesting that when I had a hearing loss I would try to be like a hearing person, now that I have no hearing, I am trying to be like a person with a hearing loss-how comical is that?! I know it would be easier on me to simply tell the person I am working with that I am deaf and then things could be better, but you wouldn't believe the look I get on people's face when I mention it because I speak so well that it is just hard to believe that I could be deaf! Sometimes we go into my "story" or other times I can just move on. So I am trying hard to remember communication is two people, so I need to inform the other so that we can have good communication. As I said before, I have gone through the grieving period of being deaf and now I am learning the acceptance/peace of being deaf and now anxious to get the ball rolling and get the implants so that I can confidently say, "Plastic please!"

God is in control!

Yesterday was my day of testing to get ready for the cochlear implant! From 8am to 7pm I had lots of testing to do to get ready for my big day! My audiologist is WONDERFUL! She is so supportive, upbeat, encouraging, and is excited for me to get the implants. The hearing test was so short-I couldn’t hear anything but every now and then feel vibrations like you would feel with a freight train as they go by. I also had to do a lip-reading tests. She would speak a sentence and I would repeat them back to her. She said 20 sentence lines to me and I only missed ONE WORD!! I think those games of “Read my lips” paid off! Ha! (But really it was all those years of speech therapy!) So after al the testing done, we were getting excited to meet with the doctor to see which ear we are going to do the implants in. He ushered us into a room to look at the MRI to see how the bone structure looks of my ears. He said it all looked great, but he was concerned about this stuff on top of my skull that is not supposed to be there……my mind went blank when he said that! He then said that it is a big infection that is close to my eyes and if not taken care of, I could go blind. My mouth just dropped open! We came here to get implants for my ears to find that I could go blind?! But this infection explains all the horrible headaches I have had behind my eyes that I thought was due to allergy seasons! So the plan is to get on several medications right now to see if we can get the infection gone in four weeks. Then I go in for a CAT scan to see the diagnosis of the infection, if it is not gone, then I will have to go for surgery to take care of this. The cochlear implants are on hold until we get this infection take care of. I have learned two things by the end of this day:

1. God is in control! He has and will continue to take care of me! He went before me and allowed my doctor to see this infection in preparation for my cochlear implants on my CAT scan! What a blessing!! I have been singing today “What a mighty God we serve….”
2. I have an amazing husband! He loves me so much and is excited for me to have implants and supports me by walking all the way back to the hospital to retrieve information that the doctor needed so we can know the diagnosis of that “something” that wasn’t supposed to be there that very same hour! I love you honey!

Please be in prayers that this infection will go away through medication and I wouldn’t have to get the surgery! (But if it comes to that, then God will once again provide!) Until then, my hearing world is on hold!

The Doctor Is In!

What a busy month February brought me! I had a doctor appointment two weeks ago in Columbus and I was unable to meet with him due to my 5 month old baby being sick. Poor thing had a stomach virus and was throwing up for three days! It was very scary for me because she can almost roll over, but not quite yet and so when she threw up, I was terrified of her choking on her throw up and not being able to hear her choking! So I had her by my side 24/7 day and night and I was utterly exhausted by the end of the week and then guess what happened, my next daughter got it! I remember looking over in bed seeing her throw up and thinking, "it is not over yet, Lord give me strength!" And He did! Thankfully my husband took over and I was able to rest! I was bummed that I couldn't go to the doctor appointment but rescheduled it for March. And so I focused on the doctor in Kentucky. Dr. Gadre walked in with a genuine smile and met everyone and got right to work. This doctor is AMAZING!! Let me tell you a list of just why he is amazing: He is such an expert on Cochlear Implants that he is writing a textbook on how to do cochlear implants, He is kind, honest, and proud of his work, He looked at me straight in the eyes when communicating, and best of all: He said I would most definitely benefit from Cochlear Implants!! I am blown away by this doctor and went ahead and set up appointments with him. Turns out that I have a full day in March of testings from MRI, Cat Scans, Audiology Tests, and Implant Evaluations, then just a month later, I will have my implants and two weeks later I will be able to hear again! Wow! I am in shock! But really let me tell you several of my biggest shocks this past week:

I went to the store and the cashier mentioned something to me while I was loading the groceries on the belt and my daughter tapped me and told me what the cashier said. I then told the cashier, "oh Im sorry, I did not hear you, I am deaf." WHAT?!! Did I just utter the words DEAF? I have always been hearing impaired or hearing loss, but for the first time in my life I have to say DEAF! Wow, I guess when you have a loss, whether it be losing someone, a job, or having an illness, you experience new lifestyle changes of shock and learn to adjust. I have had more of these "Shock" moments in public, like going in the store and everyone staring at me...I wonder if my fly is open, or I have mascara on my cheek, and I go crazy thinking of all these things, to find someone come up to me huffing and puffing, handing me a store ad, "here, I wanted you to have this!" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! She was running after me to give me an ad?! I was not laughing at first, I was terribly embarrassed but now I can laugh, can you imagine the scene?! Or what about being in Red Lobster, standing in the foyer holding a baby waiting for a table and again everyone is staring at you and your mind beings to think again, to find a boy tapping my arm saying, "I was wondering if you want to take my seat." Apparently he had been asking several times and there I was standing smiling at everyone! Whew! Well, I can look at it this way, I only have two more months til I can communicate back to those people and then go back to saying, "I have a hearing loss". But really I am looking forward to hearing my baby laugh, my son who is learning to read, read to me, and my daughter sing in her music class!! Those things are what matter to me the most and what I want to hear!

Doctor Visits Coming Up!

My friend, (Bless her heart for her support in getting in touch with the doctor she used for her son!) heard back from the doctor who did an amazing job on her son's cochlear implant. My friend also asked him for the other doctor that he highly recommends in Columbus. As it turns out, the doctor that he recommends happens to be the one that my audiologist set me up with in the beginning of February! How wonderful is that?!! That just blows my mind away that I went to to get a cochlear implant referral that I just picked from Columbus and she set me up with the doctor that three weeks later was recommended by a top cochlear implant specialist! I am anxious to speak to this doctor in Columbus in two weeks because he specializes in two things that right now I am struggling most with: dizziness and tinnitus. And let me tell you just how annoying tinnitus is!!! Augh, I have it 24 hours and most of the time, if I am focused on something I am able to ignore it. But it doesn't help when trying to sleep (especially when you desperately need the sleep when you're up feeding a baby through the night!), or when I hear a noise, like today, I thought I heard a siren and I immediately turned around frightened thinking something was wrong with the kids and I didn't know it and the police was here making the sirens. (I know I have such a big imagination!!) Hopefully I can get some answers from this doctor. Then a couple weeks later in February I will be visiting the other Doctor that my friend recommends and I hope then I can move forward and get a game plan going. There is a waiting list to see both doctors and I am thankful that I will be seeing them in February rather than much later! So until then, I am taking it one day at a time til I see those doctors!

Researching for a Doctor

So now that I have made the decision to get the implants. Now I need to find the Doctor that I trust to implant them in my skull! A dear friend of mine shared with me a doctor they used for their son and had amazing results. They also told me just how meticulous and serious this doctor is on cochlear implants and he actually does this kind of surgery weekly. (that is more than OSU- they said they do 30 a year!) As with any surgery there are risk, but this doctor rarely has any complications. So I would love to see this Doctor in KY and get in, we are now waiting to hear from my friend to tell me if he will see me. So now I need prayers for my research and that God will lead me to the right Doctor for me-one that I can completely trust and feel at ease to do this on me.

Meanwhile, I am continually wondering what I am going to be able to hear. My daughter today was giving me details on what she can hear and she opened my eyes to things that I was never able to hear with hearing aids and didn't realize the things that made sounds and I asked, "do you think I will be able to hear those things with these implants?" And she shrugged her shoulders and said, "maybe, maybe not, but that is okay, I will still tell you these sounds." What a sweet daughter I have! (smile)

And my 4 year old son totally cracks me up, I just found out that he has been mouthing his sentences to me. I thought he has been talking, but someone just informed me that he would come up to me and only mouth the words to me. I guess he thinks since I can't hear anymore, there is no point in using your voice to talk to me, so he is mouthing to me! (double smile)

Beginnings of a new journey!

My journey with my hearing loss started when I was very young when I was fitted with hearing aids at the age of 3. And now 29 years later (you can figure out my age if you add it up you know?) I am starting a new journey; being able to hear with cochlear implants. As with any story, you need to know details of how this new journey started, so I thought I add the note that I sent to my friends about the recent (December 2011) prognosis:

"Hi all, I am sharing with you as a friend in hopes that you will join me in prayers! Just a year ago I was in a coffee shop crying happy tears that with my new hearing aids i could hear the harps play for the first time in my life. Just a year this past week, i find myself crying to find that i have lost all my hearing and now considered deaf! This has come in such a shock to me, so quickly and sudden. The doctors do not know why or how i lost my hearing, they have some theories but in all, my hearing will not come back. I thought this would happen, but at a much older age, not now among my thriving lifestyle as a mom and wife! Needless to say i have been grieving over this loss. Our hope right now is looking into cochlear implants, i meet with specialists in January to find out more. I remember as a little girl asking God to take my hearing away, He instead changed my heart, and now I ask Him of nothing but His will! I trust Him as I have and do with my life! Please pray for me as I struggle more so with no hearing with my children (bless them for their patience and help!), and being reminded daily of what I cannot hear. Rob and I are trusting Him because we have hope in Him! I love my husbands support, my children's love, and my all my friends prayers!"

So fast forward to yesterday, January 2012, I went to OSU to meet the specialists, after several hours of testing (never had so many different hearing tests), the specialist said that I qualify for cochlear implants. Now if you don't know what this all entails, here is a website that tells you more about this implantation in the skull/ear: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cochlear_implant
I was overwhelmed by the information of how much work this would require: coming in for 3-4 hour surgery, going home to recover and let swelling go down for 6 weeks, come back and then turn it on and hear, then come back every week for adjustments for the next six months. Then I was told there were lots of side effects such as paralysis of side of face, loss of taste (So I reasoned, OK: I can lose weight easily this way! Not a bad thing!), and other risks as well, but those two were the ones that stood out to me. The good news is they told me that I would be able to hear 30% more from wherever my hearing level is on the chart. At this point, I am not on the chart at all, so I asked where that would put me on the chart, she showed me and my jaw just dropped!!!! I said, "You mean to tell me that I would be able to hear at this level, a level where I have never been even with my hearing aids on all these years?!!!!" She said, "Yes I know, isn't that incredible, we can't predict exactly what you will be able to hear, everyone is different as to what their ear allows them to hear, but it hits this amount at least." I just cannot even comprehend being able to hear at that level! So with mix feelings of the fact that I am not a big fan of surgery and I was just dreading this and not wanting to go through this and want alternatives to be able to hear again(which the doctor informed me that there are none, this is it!). So on the way home, I felt a tap on shoulder by my bright and beautiful 7, soon to be 8 year old daughter who informed me that the remote control to my hearing-aid-processor that I would have to wear would be cool and she can't wait to have fun with me on that! Then it dawned on me, I want to hear her laughing at that moment, so risking paralysis/loss of taste would be worth hearing her laugh again, to be able to hear the ocean again, to hear my newest baby coo in my arms, to be able to hear my rambunctious 4 year old boy run around screaming "awesome" again, to hear my hubby say the words, "I love you." So yes, I am going to get the cochlear implants, until God can completely restore my hearing in heaven, why not enjoy this gift here and enjoy my life again?!